This Is How Someone Who May Have Had History Of Depression Feels (Or Someone Who May Have Had History Of Fighting Depression)

She analyzes things more than she should. It hurts her, but she could not stop it.

I'm almost seventeen and I have been clinically diagnosed with depression almost three years ago. I may have had history of depression, but it may also be right here, right now.

As everyone would expect, I was given antidepressants and was told it wasn't addictive. Its services include controlling the chemicals in my brain to help me gain appetite and slowly become the 'normal' person society has labeled. 

I continued attending therapies which included opening up to the psychiatrist -- whom I've never been fully honest to, by the way -- for months. 

One Saturday in December, as I was preparing for another session with Dr. Tolentino, I felt the medicine kick in. I realized how much appetite I've gained and thought its notable difference can conclude the state of my total recovery. 

In the same Saturday in December, I felt I was strong enough to conquer whatever it is that's been triggering the depression in me. I did not go back to the clinic from that day on. When my mother asked about how the session went, I carefully lied and said that the doctor said I'm okay and does not have to take the antidepressants anymore.

I started being bold. I started to proudly share my very own testimony through depression, with hopes that it can be an inspiration.

I remember Dr. Tolentino, my psychiatrist, telling me to eat something as I take my antidepressants to fool the stomach, but little did I know that I, too, can be fooled in the setting. 

So trust me, I know what it feels like to be betrayed by your own feelings and thoughts into thinking you're finally fine. 

But if you're someone who's just curious, continue to hear me out.

Someone who may have had history of depression may not even know she still has depression. If it goes, she may never realize when it's back.

Someone who may have had history of depression does not always have to be like what you see in the movies and read in poems. She may be a jolly, energetic person and it confuses her.

She thinks that the absence of  a single symptom she has experienced when she was first diagnosed is the saving fact that makes her free of being depressed, but it puzzles her because she feels exactly the same minus that single symptom, with a pinch of boldness.

On some days, she feels like being in a void, never having the chance to escape. She experiences darkness despite the lamp she keeps on as a defense to the demons that she never really saw, by the way. She's never sure if those demons she speaks about are legitimately demons but there is one thing she is sure about, they haunt her.

She tries to make every single thing she does as perfect as she can, but she does it with clumsiness you can't imagine. She's pressured because someone is watching.

She always feels like someone is watching her, even inside her very own room she has to herself. Despite this, more often than not, she goes on with her daily routine. She goes where she has to go, and does what she has to do. 

Because society has perceived her high-functioning, society will tell her she's fully recovered, but she would still cry herself to sleep. Ironic, isn't it? No, because someone who may have had history of depression deals with depression in unconventional ways just like any depressed person could do. They crack jokes, have fun, laugh out loud, talk loud, crave attention, and you'll have a hard time realizing it.

Because she thought she's depression-free, she started to proudly share her experience and what she thought was her expert advice. When she realized she's not fully recovered, her ego eats her whole. It's now extra hard for her to scream for help because everyone thought she's a strong, brave survivor.

She's depressed, but she has a heart. Her heart may be filled with sadness, darkness, anger, confusion, or whatever, but her heart also longs comfort, unconditional love and sincerity.

In this time and age, judgement is inevitable. She, too, gets that a lot and she's the most afraid of them.

She feels awful about depression being a trend, and it sucks when she's accused of taking depression as just a trend.

She wants to ignore what the world has to say about her, but she couldn't keep herself from thinking about what she hears.

Some days, she feels like she's strong enough to not give a damn about anything, but she ends up bursting into tears because she became sensitive and fragile.

Because she chooses to fight depression, she comes up with a facade to make people believe everything is alright even when it's not. She tries to stand up for herself by being firm of what she think is the truth and the best in social media, while she cries as she type those letters that get judged.

Some days, she would feel courageous enough to post about her depression with hopes of raising awareness, but usually end up being judged. Society says you can't be depressed and talk to the masses about it, unless you're faking it. Wrong! Society, I tell you, you can never differentiate a depressed person from a depression-free person with that basis of yours.

She knows by heart that depression comes in different forms and can be dealt with through different ways. She's tired of making people understand that just because her depression isn't familiar to a lot of people, it doesn't mean it's invalid.

She's tired, sad and hopeless with a heart that seems to be full but empty. She's depressed but she can be your so-called normal. She's depressed but she can still be high-functioning.

Just because she found a pinch of courage along her journey, it doesn't mean that trying to fight her depression makes her depression-free instantly.